Choosing a spouse for character, not polish: what Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi (Rahimahullah) taught about modesty and caring for a wife

What should you look for first when choosing a spouse?

On page 77 the book says that the first thing to guard in nikah is the very purpose of nikah: protection from shamelessness. It argues that a woman may have every skill and still be a heavy loss if modesty is missing, while modesty makes up for a great deal that is lacking.

The author recalls the Qur’anic praise of believing women who are unaware of indecency (24:23) and reads it as praise of an innocent, clean-hearted nature. He also remarks that this kind of praise is not given to men in the same way. Our reading: the point is the quality of the heart, not a lack of education.

Is a polished, well-presented person always the safer choice?

Pages 77–78 compare two kinds of women the author had observed. Some are untidy or sharp-tongued yet clearly modest. Others are always neatly presented and outwardly refined, but he says he felt no real reassurance about their modesty. He warns that surface polish can hide a weak character.

The practical lesson for families is not to reject someone who is plain or awkward at first meeting, and not to be won over by polish alone. Ask how the person behaves when no one is watching: with money, with other people’s property, with the opposite sex, and in a disagreement.

Does modesty really make other flaws easier to live with?

Page 79 is the heart of this section. The book says that a wife who is not good at running the house, cooking or managing the children can still be someone to treasure if she is modest, because modesty turns many of her faults into something close to virtue. It adds that a husband who sees such flaws should deliberately remind himself of her modesty so that irritation does not grow into dislike.

He ties this to the Qur’anic advice about living with wives kindly (4:19): you may dislike something in which Allah has placed a great deal of good.

So do skills, tidiness and good manners not matter?

They do matter, and the book does not say otherwise. Its claim is about order of priority: modesty and honesty first, skills second. Skills can be learned after nikah; character is much harder to rebuild.

Our takeaway, not the book’s wording: the same standard should be asked of men as well as women. A family that checks a groom’s income but never his honesty or conduct is making the same mistake in the other direction.

How should a husband treat his wife as she grows older?

Under the heading “The value of an old wife” (pp. 79–80), Maulana Thanvi notes that some men begin to dislike a wife who has aged, although the years passed with them. He quotes Maulana Fazl al-Rahman, who said that an old wife is like a mother: in the early years she brings enjoyment, and later the benefits grow, because she becomes a companion and carer. Sensible people, he says, value benefit over pleasure.

Maulana Thanvi adds his own observation. Passion belongs to youth, but old age and illness are the time of weakness when a person needs compassion, and in that season nobody does the work of a spouse.

He gives a living example: when the wife of Maulana Muhammad Mazhar, a teacher at Madrasa Mazahir Ulum, grew old and frail, he would take leave from the madrasa and nurse her himself rather than leave it to the household help.

How can a family put this into practice?

1. 1
   Ask about character first. Add modesty, honesty, patience and kindness to the questions you ask about a proposal, next to education and job.
2. 2
   Look for evidence, not polish. Ask people who have seen the person in ordinary and stressful situations, and see our list of questions to ask before nikah.
3. 3
   Do not use one weakness to reject everything. Separate a skill that can be learned from a trait that cannot.
4. 4
   Plan for the long run. Ask each side how they would care for a spouse who is ill or old.
5. 5
   Keep the wali and family involved. An elder’s experience helps, especially when a decision is being made on appearances.

On Nikkup, wali-supported matchmaking lets a family be part of the conversation from the start, and women use it free. You can get the Android app or read how men’s optional plans work. Families in Pakistan can also see our overview of the halal rishta app in Pakistan.

For related teachings from the same book, see the value of a wife in Islam and kafa’ah in nikah.

Frequently asked questions

Does Maulana Thanvi say skills do not matter? No. In this section he puts modesty and honesty first and says they make up for much that is lacking. Skills still matter and can be learned.

What does the book say about an elderly wife? That she should be valued more, not less, since in her old age she is a companion and carer, and the author gives an example of a teacher who nursed his own wife.

Where can I read this? In Islami Shadi by Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi (Rahimahullah), compiled by Muhammad Zaid Mazahiri Nadvi, Bab 2, Fasl 2, pp. 77–80. This is a summary, not a fatwa: please ask a trusted scholar.